Mmm…
Yeah, Ian really doesn’t get how I’m feeling.
Since I was all teary down the phone to him on Tuesday night, I felt I owed it to him to at least try and explain what’s going on with me. So I wrote to him while he was at work and tried to explain. I’m not very good at it because I’ve always been kinda casual about people dying, I pretend that it doesn’t get to me and I just shrug it off, and I think it’s become a bit of a habit. But I speak to Ian every night and the past few nights I’ve been really upset, and I’m really not one to cry about things like this in public, as it were. But for some reason, over the past few days it’s all come out.
Anyway, so I tried explaining to him what I thought was happening and why I was all teary. And he didn’t ever bother replying. Which was lovely, really good to know that he understood where I was coming from and I had his support…I said I didn’t expect him to understand cause I don’t even understand why this is all happening now.
Then I spoke to him on the phone and tried to avoid the conversation but it came up anyway, and I said something about feeling less sad today or something and he said “why? I knew him longer than you did…” as if that was a genuine way to measure how sad someone should feel.
It wasn’t a competition of “who should feel more sad”. It wasn’t even me going to him for help because I our friend had died. It was me going to him and trying to explain so he wouldn’t feel so confused, and if anything, I just needed him to say “it’s normal for you to feel down about something like this”. That’s all I needed him to do. And instead he said that…
Well, he’s coming over tonight and if I start to feel sad again I’m just going to not bother talking to him. And since I don’t do grieving in public, he can sleep in the bloody living room and leave me in peace.
I feel like I’m talking about Pieter here.
I’m probably just over-reacting. He was tired last night (this is what he said anyway) so he might just not have realize what I was trying to say and he misunderstood me. Still, he could have replied and at least said “don’t worry about apologizing” or something.
Anyway, whatever. I’ve tried my best to look presentable today so I don’t feel like a tramp and I’ve planned what to cook for dinner, so if he’s still not willing to understand where I’m coming from after that he can just drive his ass on home again.
>.<
Tia-Rhian x
Refusing to believe…
So, the past few days I’ve pretty much been refusing that I’m grieving. I can’t be grieving because a) I’ve been fine up until now and b) I’m not his best friend or his sister or his mum or his aunt or a family member or an ex girlfriend or anyone that should be sad. I’m just an old friend from a year or two ago that he used to hang out with on Thursdays…
Sometimes feel angry because I feel like I’m not allowed to be upset about it, what right have I got to be upset? I feel like there’s no point me feeling sad because I hadn’t seen him in months and months and it’s my own stupid fault if I regret it now. I should have met up with him when we tried to arrange it over summer. I’m angry because there’s no point in me feeling sad, I’ve got friends who need me to be strong for them, and I’ve got stuff to do, assignments to get on with and hand in.
But then other times I feel like I should feel sad. Ok, he wasn’t my best friend, but there was a time our lives when we were close, and we did hang out all the time and we did want to see each other. He was the type of friend who I could still call and ask if he wanted to hang out and it wouldn’t be weird though we hadn’t seen each other in months. He was still my friend and I should allow myself to feel sad if that’s how I feel.
It must be so confusing for Ian. Because he was with me when I found out. I went a bit quiet, and I cried a little bit when we were on our way home that night. But I just seemed a bit shocked. Since then, I’ve been fine, I’ve thought about it and felt a bit sad but I’ve been happy and tried not to think about it, so to Ian, he must’ve thought I was all good (he was Ian’s friend too, by the way). Until Monday night, I started feeling it, feeling really really sad about it. I spoke to him and pretended that I was all fine and dandy, then he said he was going to see Vicki (his ex, our friend’s close friend) because she was really upset. And then I thought I can’t let on that I’m upset now because that’ll look like I’m doing it for a bit of sympathy and attention.
Another one of my friends died in 2006, and I remember a lot of us were really upset and there was this girl in one of my classes and she came up to my group of friends and said “I know how you feel”. I was so angry because she really didn’t know how we felt, our friend had pretty much lost her brother, they’d grown up together and were really close. How could this girl possibly ever know how we felt? So she kissed him once at a beach party, she probably kissed a few other guys that night too and she was acting like she knew him so well. He died on a Friday, and there was an announcement on the Monday at school that we should avoid talking about it because people are going to be very upset. She used it as an excuse to get out of classes. She sat with me once, outside a class and tried talking about him as if she knew him, I got so angry.
This is why I’ve tried to not feel sad, because I don’t want people thinking I’m like her. I worry so much that Ian’s going to think that that’s what I’m doing, just because it’s taken so long for it to actually hit me properly. I’m not the type to grieve openly either, so I probably wouldn’t do all this crying if he was here. I think my mum must have seen me cry once when John died, but I must have cried a hundred times. I’ve tried explaining to Ian about “delayed grief” but I don’t really know if that’s what it is because I don’t actually know what this feeling is, I asked my mum if this is just a form of grief or if I’m going crazy, she told me that it’s normal and just to let it run it’s course and do what I have to do to get over it.
I spent all day holding back the tears, all I do is worry about the people I love, because it makes you think about how fragile life actually is. I went shopping though, I bought some hair dye, some new jeans (my old ones are totally ripped to shreds so I genuinely needed new jeans), some make-up, a new top, a towel to dye my hair with (to save my cream towels!) and my gift for Vicki which I’m going to engrave when I get home this weekend. I felt fine on my way out, but when I started shopping, every song on the radio just reminded me that I was feeling bad. So I tried on loads of clothes and I didn’t care how much money the clothes I wanted cost (I cared about the cost of everything else though!), but I decided I needed some clothes to cheer me up and I didn’t care how much they cost. I felt better while I tried the clothes on and stuff, that feeling continued until I walked out of the shop, then I felt sad again. But I managed to not cry, until I looked up to see a cyclist get hit by a bus.
He was ok though, he shouted out just before the bus hit him and that got my attention, it hit the front of his bike and sort of dragged him with it for a little bit while he slowed down, the guy was ok. A bit shaken up and he’d hurt his leg a bit, but he got back on his bike and carried on his way. But then I cried, it shook me up a bit and reminded me again that anything can happen at any given moment. And that thought scares me a lot…
Anyway, so I’m just going to accept that I’m grieving. He was my friend, I’m allowed to feel sad, just because the last time we spoke was a few months ago doesn’t mean I can’t feel sad that I won’t see him again. There’s a lot to feel sad about. And right now I feel pretty sad, so I’m going to let myself feel sad.
I’m also going to dye my hair back to my darker colour again and hope that that makes me feel a bit better for a little while. Just got to try and keep happy until tomorrow when Ian comes back.
Tia-Rhian xxx
Down in the dumps!
I feel so sad today. A few weeks ago, one of my old friends died in a road accident. It’d been a while since we’d spoken and he was a very good friend to a lot of my close friends. I feel a bit of a fraud when I get upset about it, because it’s been about a year since we last hung out, we always said we’d meet up again, especially since me and Ian got together and I was in Aberystwyth a lot. But we never did. So I feel bad when I get upset, cause my friends saw him the day before the accident.
They’ve all set up a night of remembrance for him on the 5th of November. And I want to go because the group of friend that me and him hung out in are all going and it’d be nice to remember him with them and share memories and stuff cause it’s been so long since we all saw each other. But a lot of my friends were him best friends and I don’t know what I’d even say to them. And Ian’s ex was his best friend, and I don’t want to upset her by being there. I think she’s crazy enough to think that I’d go just to annoy her.
I’m going to buy her something anyway, as a peace offering. I tried a peace offering with her before and she lied about it to Ian and said she’d accepted and blah-di-blah but the truth is she didn’t actually reply to anything I’d said and completely blanked me :/ So I’m going to buy her a bracelet with our friends name and birth year and 2010 engraved on it or something, or a necklace for a picture of her and Pie together or something, and tell her it’s a peace offering. Cause it’d be nice for her to be able to be able to wear something so when people ask what it is she can say “oh, my best friend was this amazing guy…”, and also maybe she’ll stop saying mean things about me to mine and Ian’s friends, and also I don’t like the thought of someone being angry and hostile about me and Ian being together…so hopefully she’ll genuinely accept this peace offering.
I’m going to go to Pie’s remembrance thing and I’m just going to be with our friends, have a catch up, raise a few glasses and say goodbye to my friend.
xxx
:)
Dooo beeee doooo 
Spent all night helping Ian promote his band…it’s a LOT of work. Me and him are going to take on more of the business side of the band stuff, I quite like it. I quite like seeing hard work pay off and seeing them get a bit closer to their goals. I might even go as far to say that I like that more than playing right now.
I’m not really enjoying playing so much any more, I quite like playing acoustically on my own, but I’m lacking a bit of drive when it comes to the band. Joe’s just moved to Falmouth, and he doesn’t seem that bothered about the band and I don’t think I can be bothered to try and make it work and try and keep up morale, cause I’m always the one trying to keep everything together, and I was a break. I was someone to lift my morale now.
So I think I’m going to try and get The Infamous some gigs over in Estonia and Finland cause their rock scene is pretty awesome
Me, Ian, Ian’s friend Chew and Chew’s girlfriend Laura are hoping to go to Estonia in March for a holiday thing so I think I might go to a lot of venues with CDs and stuff and see if I can secure some gigs for the summer.
Hopefully they’ll see all this work and be like “ahaaaa, Tia! Manage us?” and then that’d be awesome
Tia-Rhian
That’s not fair
It’s not fair, because I told my course tutor that I had surgery and what should I do about my lectures and letting my other lecturers know that I’d be away, and I asked what the procedure is, and he said just to email the lecturers that I have on the days that I’d be off and let them know that I wouldn’t be there. Which I did.
But I just got an email from one of my lecturers saying that I had missed a very important lecture and I’m not off to a good start and if I miss another lecture he’ll have to get in touch with the Advice Shop and I’ll have to explain myself.
Now, I don’t know if that was a round email that was sent to everyone who’d missed that lecture. But I’m really quite upset about it…because not only did I send him an email explaining that I wouldn’t be in the lecture due to having surgery that week and I probably couldn’t make it to the rest of the lectures this week as I’d still be in recovery. And THEN, when I went to the lecture on Tuesday (which I actually think is the lecture he’s referring to), I explained that I wouldn’t be in his lecture on Thursday and I’d sent him an email as well, explaining that, and could I please go to the first seminar rather then the second because I need to get home and prepare to go into hospital and he said that was fine. But apparently he wasn’t listening…
Even if it was sent as a round email. It still shouldn’t have been sent to me. Because I explained myself and I did what I was told, and I’ve tried to keep up with the lessons online, and I only missed one lecture. And this email was pretty much like a warning that if I don’t attend the lectures then I will fail this course, and it seemed pretty stern and generally not very nice. And I feel a bit like, well what am I supposed to do? I was stuck on the sofa till last night, which was the first night I felt I could go anywhere, and I will be straight back in uni tomorrow after I’ve caught the early train back.
I’m pretty fragile right now, I don’t sleep well when Ian’s not around, not to mention being really uncomfortable. I slept for two and a half hours last night, from 5am till 7:30am when I got up. Lack of sleep, generally feeling uncomfortable, being stuck in the house not being able to do anything, being stuck in a massive house on my own, not being able to speak to Ian and feeling sick and tired makes for a pretty teary and unhappy Tia anyway, add a mean email from a lecturer that I’ve tried my best not to annoy and you get a nervous and unhappy wreck.
Anyway, point is, it’s not fair if that email was directly aimed at me because that would be his error for not listening to me, and if it was sent as a bulk email, then it shouldn’t have been sent to me because I’d told him where I was twice and it’s his error for not listening to me.
Not bitching about him on the internet, just feeling very sad and like I’m in his bad books already.
It’s early-ish (11pm) and I’m tired so this Gives Me Hope that I’ll get a good night sleep and will be able to get to uni for my lectures tomorrow.
Tia-Rhian x
Ooops forgot!
Having bad signal and not being able to talk to Ian makes me realize how much I miss him and Gives Me Hope!! <3 xxx
Lonelyyyy!
This suuuucks! Having a good body and for what? There’s no one here to see it! Haha.
Mum and Mal are off to London, it’s too late to drive to see dad and Jill and when it was early enough I didn’t feel I could drive safely, Ian’s obviously away and all my mates have gone to uni!!
It’s terrible!!
I’m really lonely here, just tried speaking to Ian on Facebook chat but it didn’t really work, he’d ask a question and then lose signal before I got the chance to reply so it was a bit one sided!
Feeling really sleepy, so hopefully I’ll fall asleep soon and not have to worry about being lonely 
Tia-Rhian xx
Good body day!! Yay!!
I’ll tell you what. I’ve been waiting for a good body day for aaaaages!
This may give a lot of imagery that you don’t want to see so…prepare hah!
Right, well I just had a bath to take my breast dressing off, so I took the waterproof dressing off while I was in the bath and then left the trickier, stickier cotton dressing on till I was more prepared for it. So I got out of the bath and slowly peeled the cotton dressing off, it was not pretty at all, so I cleaned the wound up a bit till it didn’t look as bad, so all it is now is a thin cut about half an inch long, so not bad at all. I felt really quite faint so I had a sip of water and a lie down. Looked hilarious, half in, half out of onesie, lying on my bed laughing at how alike me and dad are in the way that we both don’t like blood. It’s funny cause I never used to be this bad with it!
Anyway, for this story to make sense, I’ll have to tell you about mine and Ian’s conversation the other day. I’m always joking about my small boobs, and he was saying that they’re fine and there’s nothing wrong with them. And we always joke about the future, joke about having kids (a lot of people know him as Ian Scott, so I tell him we’re naming our kids Barry, Harry, Gary and Larry…HI I’M GARY SCOTT!!). I told him if I was having three or four of his kids, then he’s damn well paying for breast enlargement surgery. He told me that I’m not going to enlarge my boobs ridiculously…So I said a C cup would be fine with me! Just a normal nice boob size!
THEN me and mum went shopping yesterday cause I was struggling with the bras that I’m wearing because of my wound and stuff. So mum picks up this 30C bra and says that that should fit me…and I’ve just put it on and it does! Yay! 30C…*dances*.
Anyway, so I put a new dressing on, put my new size bra on and pranced about a bit, then put this onesie type top that I have on and I realize that I finally have a butt too! A BUTT!! And I’ve not been snacking all day this week like I have been since starting uni, so I’ve got a flat belly going on too.
I’ve been so so so down on my body recently because I’ve been snacking so much and I just feel so slobbish and icky. And I know that that sounds a bit silly…but that’s just how I feel. So today’s confidence boost has been a total Godsend
I spoke to Mal about Ian looking after me loads and Mal says he likes Ian and he hopes I keep him.
Good body days and Mal’s positive words Gives Me Hope
Tia-Rhian
Ash just showed me a website called Gives Me Hope (www.givesmehope.com). A lot of kids these days are saying Fuck My Life, shortening it to FML. You kinda use it like “I had surgery yesterday and my boyfriend has had to fly to the states. FML.”
But this website is like “We are having spirit week at my school.
Today was ‘What I want to be when grow up’. A young girl, not much older than 6, dressed up as a doctor.
She said she was going to be a cancer doctor that finds a cure for cancer. Why? So no one else’s mommy has to die.
Emma, you GMH.”
So, whenever I write I’m going to try and find something that Gives Me Hope, something that I can be positive about. I used to do this kinda thing in the shower, in the steam I’d write something that I love and a lyric to go with it and it’d set me up for the day. But that sort of stopped working so maybe this will keep up morale for a while
GMH you GMH
Tia-Rhian xxx
(THIRD entry today!!!!)
Bored!
The sofa is a terribly boring place to be! Terribly boring!
Started feeling a bit head-achy and a bit sore and a bit painful. Can’t wait to get this waterproof dressing off, it’s so itchy and uncomfortable. I’m thinking that once I take it off and have a different dressing on, I might feel a bit more able to go out and do stuff. So I’m going to have a bath and stuff tomorrow afternoon, take this dressing off (I’m allowed to take it off), take a good look at it, tell myself it’s not that bad and then put a new dressing on. Drive mum and Mal to the train station for Mal’s birthday weekend away (they’re going to London…not the train station…”Happy Birthday Mal! We’re going to the train station!”…not as fun, I shouldn’t think), then I’m going to assess how I feel and see if I can drive to Carmarthen to meet Rosie for her birthday and meet her new friends. I don’t think I’ll be staying out longer than an hour or so and then come home. Might see if Ash or Joe is free cause there’ll be no one at the house to look after me if I get home ill…
We will see
So bored though without Ian to slag off the people on TV with me. And this bed’s kinda big…I need someone cuddly, about 6’6 tall, with warm hands, soft feet and lots of dark hair to inhale while I’m trying to sleep, and a nice little underarm type nook to cwtch into otherwise tonight just isn’t going to work. Selfish Americans, having him all to yourselves.
Tonight will be fine, I’ll get to sleep just fine and wake up just fine
Write tomorrow no doubt
Tia-Rhian
