Refusing to believe…
So, the past few days I’ve pretty much been refusing that I’m grieving. I can’t be grieving because a) I’ve been fine up until now and b) I’m not his best friend or his sister or his mum or his aunt or a family member or an ex girlfriend or anyone that should be sad. I’m just an old friend from a year or two ago that he used to hang out with on Thursdays…
Sometimes feel angry because I feel like I’m not allowed to be upset about it, what right have I got to be upset? I feel like there’s no point me feeling sad because I hadn’t seen him in months and months and it’s my own stupid fault if I regret it now. I should have met up with him when we tried to arrange it over summer. I’m angry because there’s no point in me feeling sad, I’ve got friends who need me to be strong for them, and I’ve got stuff to do, assignments to get on with and hand in.
But then other times I feel like I should feel sad. Ok, he wasn’t my best friend, but there was a time our lives when we were close, and we did hang out all the time and we did want to see each other. He was the type of friend who I could still call and ask if he wanted to hang out and it wouldn’t be weird though we hadn’t seen each other in months. He was still my friend and I should allow myself to feel sad if that’s how I feel.
It must be so confusing for Ian. Because he was with me when I found out. I went a bit quiet, and I cried a little bit when we were on our way home that night. But I just seemed a bit shocked. Since then, I’ve been fine, I’ve thought about it and felt a bit sad but I’ve been happy and tried not to think about it, so to Ian, he must’ve thought I was all good (he was Ian’s friend too, by the way). Until Monday night, I started feeling it, feeling really really sad about it. I spoke to him and pretended that I was all fine and dandy, then he said he was going to see Vicki (his ex, our friend’s close friend) because she was really upset. And then I thought I can’t let on that I’m upset now because that’ll look like I’m doing it for a bit of sympathy and attention.
Another one of my friends died in 2006, and I remember a lot of us were really upset and there was this girl in one of my classes and she came up to my group of friends and said “I know how you feel”. I was so angry because she really didn’t know how we felt, our friend had pretty much lost her brother, they’d grown up together and were really close. How could this girl possibly ever know how we felt? So she kissed him once at a beach party, she probably kissed a few other guys that night too and she was acting like she knew him so well. He died on a Friday, and there was an announcement on the Monday at school that we should avoid talking about it because people are going to be very upset. She used it as an excuse to get out of classes. She sat with me once, outside a class and tried talking about him as if she knew him, I got so angry.
This is why I’ve tried to not feel sad, because I don’t want people thinking I’m like her. I worry so much that Ian’s going to think that that’s what I’m doing, just because it’s taken so long for it to actually hit me properly. I’m not the type to grieve openly either, so I probably wouldn’t do all this crying if he was here. I think my mum must have seen me cry once when John died, but I must have cried a hundred times. I’ve tried explaining to Ian about “delayed grief” but I don’t really know if that’s what it is because I don’t actually know what this feeling is, I asked my mum if this is just a form of grief or if I’m going crazy, she told me that it’s normal and just to let it run it’s course and do what I have to do to get over it.
I spent all day holding back the tears, all I do is worry about the people I love, because it makes you think about how fragile life actually is. I went shopping though, I bought some hair dye, some new jeans (my old ones are totally ripped to shreds so I genuinely needed new jeans), some make-up, a new top, a towel to dye my hair with (to save my cream towels!) and my gift for Vicki which I’m going to engrave when I get home this weekend. I felt fine on my way out, but when I started shopping, every song on the radio just reminded me that I was feeling bad. So I tried on loads of clothes and I didn’t care how much money the clothes I wanted cost (I cared about the cost of everything else though!), but I decided I needed some clothes to cheer me up and I didn’t care how much they cost. I felt better while I tried the clothes on and stuff, that feeling continued until I walked out of the shop, then I felt sad again. But I managed to not cry, until I looked up to see a cyclist get hit by a bus.
He was ok though, he shouted out just before the bus hit him and that got my attention, it hit the front of his bike and sort of dragged him with it for a little bit while he slowed down, the guy was ok. A bit shaken up and he’d hurt his leg a bit, but he got back on his bike and carried on his way. But then I cried, it shook me up a bit and reminded me again that anything can happen at any given moment. And that thought scares me a lot…
Anyway, so I’m just going to accept that I’m grieving. He was my friend, I’m allowed to feel sad, just because the last time we spoke was a few months ago doesn’t mean I can’t feel sad that I won’t see him again. There’s a lot to feel sad about. And right now I feel pretty sad, so I’m going to let myself feel sad.
I’m also going to dye my hair back to my darker colour again and hope that that makes me feel a bit better for a little while. Just got to try and keep happy until tomorrow when Ian comes back.
Tia-Rhian xxx
Down in the dumps!
I feel so sad today. A few weeks ago, one of my old friends died in a road accident. It’d been a while since we’d spoken and he was a very good friend to a lot of my close friends. I feel a bit of a fraud when I get upset about it, because it’s been about a year since we last hung out, we always said we’d meet up again, especially since me and Ian got together and I was in Aberystwyth a lot. But we never did. So I feel bad when I get upset, cause my friends saw him the day before the accident.
They’ve all set up a night of remembrance for him on the 5th of November. And I want to go because the group of friend that me and him hung out in are all going and it’d be nice to remember him with them and share memories and stuff cause it’s been so long since we all saw each other. But a lot of my friends were him best friends and I don’t know what I’d even say to them. And Ian’s ex was his best friend, and I don’t want to upset her by being there. I think she’s crazy enough to think that I’d go just to annoy her.
I’m going to buy her something anyway, as a peace offering. I tried a peace offering with her before and she lied about it to Ian and said she’d accepted and blah-di-blah but the truth is she didn’t actually reply to anything I’d said and completely blanked me :/ So I’m going to buy her a bracelet with our friends name and birth year and 2010 engraved on it or something, or a necklace for a picture of her and Pie together or something, and tell her it’s a peace offering. Cause it’d be nice for her to be able to be able to wear something so when people ask what it is she can say “oh, my best friend was this amazing guy…”, and also maybe she’ll stop saying mean things about me to mine and Ian’s friends, and also I don’t like the thought of someone being angry and hostile about me and Ian being together…so hopefully she’ll genuinely accept this peace offering.
I’m going to go to Pie’s remembrance thing and I’m just going to be with our friends, have a catch up, raise a few glasses and say goodbye to my friend.
xxx
:)
Dooo beeee doooo 
Spent all night helping Ian promote his band…it’s a LOT of work. Me and him are going to take on more of the business side of the band stuff, I quite like it. I quite like seeing hard work pay off and seeing them get a bit closer to their goals. I might even go as far to say that I like that more than playing right now.
I’m not really enjoying playing so much any more, I quite like playing acoustically on my own, but I’m lacking a bit of drive when it comes to the band. Joe’s just moved to Falmouth, and he doesn’t seem that bothered about the band and I don’t think I can be bothered to try and make it work and try and keep up morale, cause I’m always the one trying to keep everything together, and I was a break. I was someone to lift my morale now.
So I think I’m going to try and get The Infamous some gigs over in Estonia and Finland cause their rock scene is pretty awesome
Me, Ian, Ian’s friend Chew and Chew’s girlfriend Laura are hoping to go to Estonia in March for a holiday thing so I think I might go to a lot of venues with CDs and stuff and see if I can secure some gigs for the summer.
Hopefully they’ll see all this work and be like “ahaaaa, Tia! Manage us?” and then that’d be awesome
Tia-Rhian
That’s not fair
It’s not fair, because I told my course tutor that I had surgery and what should I do about my lectures and letting my other lecturers know that I’d be away, and I asked what the procedure is, and he said just to email the lecturers that I have on the days that I’d be off and let them know that I wouldn’t be there. Which I did.
But I just got an email from one of my lecturers saying that I had missed a very important lecture and I’m not off to a good start and if I miss another lecture he’ll have to get in touch with the Advice Shop and I’ll have to explain myself.
Now, I don’t know if that was a round email that was sent to everyone who’d missed that lecture. But I’m really quite upset about it…because not only did I send him an email explaining that I wouldn’t be in the lecture due to having surgery that week and I probably couldn’t make it to the rest of the lectures this week as I’d still be in recovery. And THEN, when I went to the lecture on Tuesday (which I actually think is the lecture he’s referring to), I explained that I wouldn’t be in his lecture on Thursday and I’d sent him an email as well, explaining that, and could I please go to the first seminar rather then the second because I need to get home and prepare to go into hospital and he said that was fine. But apparently he wasn’t listening…
Even if it was sent as a round email. It still shouldn’t have been sent to me. Because I explained myself and I did what I was told, and I’ve tried to keep up with the lessons online, and I only missed one lecture. And this email was pretty much like a warning that if I don’t attend the lectures then I will fail this course, and it seemed pretty stern and generally not very nice. And I feel a bit like, well what am I supposed to do? I was stuck on the sofa till last night, which was the first night I felt I could go anywhere, and I will be straight back in uni tomorrow after I’ve caught the early train back.
I’m pretty fragile right now, I don’t sleep well when Ian’s not around, not to mention being really uncomfortable. I slept for two and a half hours last night, from 5am till 7:30am when I got up. Lack of sleep, generally feeling uncomfortable, being stuck in the house not being able to do anything, being stuck in a massive house on my own, not being able to speak to Ian and feeling sick and tired makes for a pretty teary and unhappy Tia anyway, add a mean email from a lecturer that I’ve tried my best not to annoy and you get a nervous and unhappy wreck.
Anyway, point is, it’s not fair if that email was directly aimed at me because that would be his error for not listening to me, and if it was sent as a bulk email, then it shouldn’t have been sent to me because I’d told him where I was twice and it’s his error for not listening to me.
Not bitching about him on the internet, just feeling very sad and like I’m in his bad books already.
It’s early-ish (11pm) and I’m tired so this Gives Me Hope that I’ll get a good night sleep and will be able to get to uni for my lectures tomorrow.
Tia-Rhian x
So tired!
Hi guys,
So the op is well and truly over, I was poked, prodded, plugged into all sorts of different machines. They asked me to say my boyfriend’s name as they were putting me to sleep and I got to “Ian Ferg…” and off I went hah.
I was so scared before going in, I was panicking all morning, until I got to the hospital and started talking to the nurse, I got a bit teary and panicky. I didn’t full out cry but I whimpered a bit…like a girl!! Then I chilled out a bit cause they gave me these drugs, then the nurse came and kept me company and we had a chat about hair and runway modelling haha. Nice
So the operation went well, they took the thing out and everything was fine and dandy, I had to lie in the bed for a bit, then I woke up properly and had some water, then they moved me to a chair and I had a cup of tea and half a biscuit. I made friends with the other girls on the ward, while Ian made friends with one of their boyfriend’s in the waiting room haha. One of the other girls woke up screaming and having a crazy panic attack, which is what I was so worried would happen to me. She wasn’t allowed to see her mum cause they couldn’t find her and they said it wasn’t fair to the other people on the ward, and she was screaming for her mum bless her. The rest of us were quite sad for her. We’d all had the same op apart from one of the youngest girls, she’s 16, she has some really rare disease, apparently one in a billion people get it. But they’ve fixed it, she was in quite a lot of pain so I gave her my chair which was nearest to the loo while I sat in my wheelchair and we hung out and chatted about stuff. Till they wheeled me out
So, quick and painless. I’m not in much pain right now either, apparently there’ll be some bruising and stuff. Right now I’m fine though, I’ve got some pain killers in case. I don’t know if I’m a freak or not though, cause the other girls having the same op were in quite a bit of pain…and the surgeon, when he found out where mine was, was a bit like “oooh, resting on the rib cage, that’s going to be a bit sore”. So maybe they drugged me up to the max…but I don’t remember them giving me any pain meds, I watched them give them to the other girls…how odd. Maybe they’re were in a more painful place.
All in all, it’s actually been not such a bad day, I’m really relieved that it’s out and I don’t have to worry about it any more, and I’m really relieved that coming out of the anaesthetic wasn’t as bad as I’d expected. Phew.
Love and hugs!
Tia-Rhian xxx
Deary me. I know once again it’s been ages.
I’ve spent the last week at the circus 
And it’s been one of the best weeks ever, it’s been so crazy cool getting to meet all these mad, massive characters, and getting to know sort of friends even better and making brand shiny new friends and learning brand shiny new skills, it’s been so great
I performed a show with them on Saturday night, called Parklife. We wrote the storyline of the show two days before it was performed to about 2000 people. It was so cool. All I did was run around, which was good cause it made me want to get more fit and it’s also made me want to train more towards my previous contortion goal, which I’ve been working on. Taking it slow though, just doing some yoga to start with and doing light backbends…
The circus is called NoFitState circus, and they’re based in Cardiff, they have a training space there where they do workshops and classes, and one of the aerialists said that she’d help me learn rope, and I should also do trapeze and another aerialist said that when I get to Cardiff she’ll teach me some aerial hoop, which would be incredible. Can’t wait
Also, some guy from Sonic Boom Six (this band that I really like) said he wants to record Miacca so he’s going to do that. We’ve not arranged a date yet, but it’ll be September.
Also, in September, I’ve got my move in date for Uni which is the weekend of the 20th. Fresher’s week starts on the 20th. Can’t waaaaaaiiiiiiiiiit!!! Tab was being all supportive and helping me understand one of the letters I got through the post. Nawh!
One of the trampolinists I met in the circus goes to the same uni as Tab and I mentioned that I do archery and he goes “there’s only one archer in the whole of UWIC, I don’t know his name or anything but he must be so landed cause the UWIC logo is an archer” and I was like “THAT’S MY BROTHER!!!! “. Tab’s famous haha. Also, I met the guy who’s designing the opening ceremony to the commonwealth games which Tab’s competing at. I gave the guy a lift from the train station to the circus cause he’s helping design the new big show. He was really nice, we had plenty to talk about and then when he left he sent me a text saying that he’d enjoyed our chats and thanks for giving him lifts and stuff. Which was nice
Ian came and visited me on two nights while I was away and he brought some friends to see the performance which was cool It was good to have him in the tent cause I was sooooooo cold by myself!! I needed 3 sleeping bags to survive, but I couldn’t sleep with 3 cause I got claustrophobic. The amount of times I woke up thinking I was drowning, only to realize the hood on my sleeping bag had covered my face. Silly >.<
Ian then waited for me at my house till I got home from cleaning up the big tent and taking the stage down (It was soooo cool, I got to drive a lorry, and climb a massive tower. Fun fun fun!!) and then we hung out a bit yesterday and then I stayed at his. It’s been nice. It’s going well
I’ve been a bit mean to him the past two days or so though. I’ve been so tired, after sleeping on a hard floor for the past week I was really excited to just crash out on my bed, but Ian’s been around so I’ve had to stay awake and his sleeping pattern is so awkward. The past two nights, I’ve fallen asleep for an hour or so then I’ve woken up to him asking if I want tea and then having to go downstairs and drink tea, so I’ve not been the nicest to him. I’ve just been easily irritated cause I’ve needed to crash out and I’ve had to stay awake instead. It felt a bit like an Ian overload after being in a completely different world for a week. Cause that amount of Ian was fine before, but I was so sad to leave the circus and he didn’t understand and I just needed some breathing space to get used to the real world again and I just didn’t get that, so I was a bit of a moody pants 
Sorry, love!!
Off to Catthorpe tomorrow so it’ll be another few days before I can write again!! Maybe I’ll be able to write from my phone though…we’ll see.
I’ll leave you with some footage of the type of thing I got up to at the circus!
Tia-Rhian xxx
I’m sick and tired of always being sick and tired.
Lyrics by Anastasia
Not “fed up” sick and tired, literally sick and tired.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. I had a panic attack from about 3am till 6am. At 6am, I decided to drive to the store and buy some Rescue Remedy calming medicine. It worked, I came home and I had some and it calmed me down and everything. I hope this is the solution to these panic attacks, cause this isn’t the first night I’ve spent awake. It’s crazy, the amount of times I’ve had to get out of bed at a stupid time of day at Ian’s house and watch TV downstairs till I can breathe again. I’ll be glad to just get on with things now.
Can’t type anymore. Too tired haha.
Watching some weird program about people who love dolls that look like real children. It’s creepy…
Tia-Rhian xxx
I can’t call you, my phone will be relieved…
Lyrics, once again, by Camera Obscura
Well, me and Piet have done our little thing again when we have a weird sort of tiff and then talk it out for an hour or two.
Him emailing the accommodation people escalated into quite a large argument. He said that I stress him out a lot of the time but it’s not my fault, it’s the way his mind works and he’s really trying his hardest to change it and get over it. He says he finds it difficult to let little things go and he’s really trying to work on it. I asked him what things stressed him out and he told me…then I got defensive…though he said he didn’t want to tell me cause he knew I’d get defensive…then it all went horrible cause I was being defensive and short tempered and he then got defensive too cause I made it all personal.
But then he phoned a bit later and we talked it out for an hour or two. We spoke about how we’re going to manage over the next few weeks with each other, and he opened up and told me a lot of things, and reminded me of things that I’d forgotten about him.
Then we decided to hang out later on that night. I went out to a gig, he went biking and then he came over at about 11pm (yeah, we usually do late night hang outs cause we’re both always so busy!). I told him he should watch “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” cause he’d really appreciate the detail in it, but we got half way through and it was nearly 1am and I had to wake up early the next day. So we turned it off and went to bed.
I might as well tell you all the details of the next day cause I’m sure it’s nothing and there’s no point keeping it a secret cause I’ve been doing it since that day (Saturday) and it’s just been making me sad.
But me and Pieter usually sleep in the same room when we’re together, it’s not wrong or anything, we just sleep cause I sleep better when there’s someone there. But anyway, I woke up, and I tend to grab my chest when I wake up (hah, just to check they’re still there, yano the drill 
). And I felt something weird about one of them, like…well yeah, the thing everyone dreads. So I got Piet to check it out and see if he felt it too, which he did, and we checked the other one to see if there was one there too, which there wasn’t. So I got a little bit worried. But Piet was totally awesome and was really lovely and reassuring and he kept saying that it’s probably nothing and everything is going to be ok, just go to the doctors as soon as poss and just chill for now cause there’s no point stressing.
Then we went to dads house, he came with me, and we hung out with the dogs and groomed the horses. It was hilarious, Keyno the big dog, doesn’t really like men so he was petrified of Piet at first. Then we went to groom the horses and Piet was a bit scared of them, I don’t think he liked to show it or admit it, but I reckon he was scared
Then we were sat indoors. I was thinking about my little issue again, I didn’t say a word, didn’t even bring it up. I don’t think I’d brought it up since we found it. But he turned to me and told me it’s going to be OK and it really probably is nothing so try not to worry too much. Which was really lovely of him. I’m still not sure how he knew that’s what I was thinking about. But I really appreciated it anyway. I still do. He was an absolute legend that day.
I had a really great day, we chatted the whole way to dads, just talking about music, saxophones, our sax teachers, female saxophonists and that sort of thing. Just really comfortable talking. Then we had a laugh at dads, then we went for lunch and it was still really nice (though we narrowly missed bumping into Olly hah. I saw him walking down the street with his mates. I considered running after him to wish him a happy birthday but quickly decided against it hah). Then we hung out at dads again with Karl and that was ok. And then we drove home and we were both soooo tired so we had that really nice comfortable silence that you get when you don’t have to say anything.
It was great. I don’t think it felt like…you know, relationship-esque…but it was like we were best friends and we were together once type thing…I’m sure other people get that too. It felt unique though.
And despite our ups and downs and despite the mistakes we’ve made and the hurt we’ve caused each other, I felt so lucky to have him in my life this weekend. I truly felt like the luckiest girl in the world, to have someone that knows and understands what goes on in my head and really cares about me. I felt pretty well looked after this weekend, thanks to him
My doctors appointment is tomorrow morning so I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m sure it’ll be fine. The only thing I’m slightly worried about is how tired I am all the time and my little issue. But the tiredness is probably due to my insane sleeping pattern We’ll see anyway
Love you all
Tia-Rhian xx
I don’t want to be a whining girl, I’d rather not be in your world…
Lyrics by Camera Obscura (They’re this cute little indie band from Scotland who featured on the sound track of “Over Her Dead Body”, that song was Hey Lloyd and it’s adorable!)
I know right. I’m writing again! I just wrote like an hour ago! But I wrote like a spazz and didn’t write anything interesting.
But I’ve been talking to my friend Asher about life and people who’s influenced us and I went on a bit of a tangent about what I want in life and the things that are important to me and what I want to achieve and how I’m going to achieve it. Which was nice of him to listen. Cheers Asher
And so I be going to write it here, as I am, once again, taking another step on my road to happiness.
I reckon I’ve got this weird thing. Whenever I see myself being remotely happy…I freak out. I don’t know if that’s commitment issues or what. Maybe it’s that I don’t want to be happy and then have to loose it. But I heard that lyric the other day that was “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all” and it made me think that I’ve got to snap the hell out of it. And THAT is what I will tattoo on my foot. A-thank you.
So anyway…here is Tia’s plan…
Step 1: Over the summer, I will get my head into gear. I’ll concentrate on being positive and not letting things get to me, I’ll try my best to get on with everyone, and go to bed at a decent time and wake up at a decent time so I’m always as alert as I should be and not grouchy and things. And I will figure out who’s good for me and what type of people aren’t, and I will try not to give the people who aren’t good for me too much of my time. And I will learn not to let people walk all over me.
2: Get a job over the summer at the kids daycare place down the road where I will learn to be more organized, and more responsible, and where I will get over my phobia of puke.
3: With a new, focused, positive and organized attitude, I will attend university and give it all I’ve got.
4. I will find a job working with children, hopefully disabled children, where I can give either music lessons or just fun music workshops and things.
5: Maybe in my first year summer break or something, find me a man. I mean, I’ll keep a look out before then, and maybe I’ll find someone but I don’t want anything serious until my first year of Uni is out of the way.
6: Finish Uni with awesome grades.
7: Find me a job!
8: Move in with this bloke hopefully.
9: Go places with him and see places and that sort of thing.
10: Get married. Have kids. The lot.
Step 5 could be postponed and put between 7 and 8, but before 7, there will be a “move to America” step, and the rest as follows. And tadaaaaaaaaaa. For step 10 though…If I do live in America…maybe step 9 should be move back to Wales cause I want my kids speaking Welsh…
ANYWAY!! The first step begins in a few weeks. I’d best get ready for the rest of my life
Thanks Pam and Linda for showing me that things do actually work out sometimes and I can be happy and I can be who I want and do what I want…AND it’s never too late to change your mind.
“I want to be a ballet dancer when I grow up…”
Tia-Rhian xx
You’re neither friend or foe, though I can’t seem to let you go
Lyrics by Sara Bareilles
So Miacca are also breaking up…right down the middle. 3 of us are going to continue being Miacca, and the other three are going to carry on with their lives.
Me, Ash and Joe simply had enough of Chris the sax player, and the other two were on his side and there were growing bad feelings between me, Ash and Jack…so we said bye-bye!
I feel like it’s a new beginning though, I’m not mourning the end like I am with the Beggars.
All this band politics got my head spinning!
So here is the link to my solo Myspace page where my solo stuff will happen, where the only person to argue with is myself!
http://www.myspace.com/tiarhian
It only has one song on there right now, but I’ll be recording like 3 more over the next 2 weeks so there will be more I also have some pre-recorded ones too happy dayyyys!
Tia-Rhian xx
