Plan

So yet another sleepless night last night, I fell asleep at 9am. Which won’t do tonight because my first lecture tomorrow is 9am.

So I’m trying to make a plan on how to make me happy again. Which was pretty much what this blog was about in the first place. Cause I feel like I’ve turned into a negative person, which I believe is partly being with Pieter too long. Too much of him putting me down every time I opened my mouth or moved, and too much of him relying on me to make it better then kicking me in the teeth when I tried to help him. So I need to reset my whole head.

I don’t really know where to start though. I guess I’ve got to just start thinking more positively?

It could just be that it’s my birthday coming up. I always kinda dread my birthday…everyone looks forward to their birthday and make plans and stuff, but I worry about making plans cause what if no one shows up and I’ll be on my own? And what if no one wants to hang out with me? I don’t have all that many friends cause I’m a bit afraid of talking to people (again, I think cause of Pieter putting me down every time I spoke). I don’t want anyone to think I’m weird.

THIS is why I need a South Carolina top up. I need to have a big long chat with Lynn Lucas. Yes sir I do. Unfortunately I don’t have a 2 month training regime, but a good long talk should do it until next time I can come out.

Just need to learn to be comfortable in myself. Where there’s a will, there’s a way…

And for crying out loud, I had an awesome birthday last year. This one’s gonna be awesome too.

I started Christmas shopping yesterday, I love love love Christmas shopping! And I bought Ian’s sibling’s their gifts for their 21st birthday that’s coming up. I think I may have gone overboard with his brother’s gift though haha, but hey, I figured that it can be his brithday and Christmas present and since it’s from me and Ian it’s fine

Just have to buy dad, Jill, Karl and Clive, Tapani, mum and Mal gifts now, oh and Ian’s dad and Ian’s brother’s girlfriend…and possible his nan. Cause I’m spending Christmas with Ian’s family this year, and so is his brother’s girlfriend. And I’ve heard that her family are rubbish and Ian mum always buys her gifts for her birthday and Christmas, so I’ve put aside some money to get her something too from me and Ian. Ian’s not got much money this year so we’re going to go halves on everything pretty much. I doubt he can afford to go halves actually…but that’s ok. I just like buying stuff for people. And I like wrapping.

I like talking about gift and buying stuff and wrapping stuff when it’s not near my birthday, cause it always makes me worried. Especially if I start buying Christmas stuff before my birthday. Cause then if someone hasn’t got me a birthday gift they go “oh, you got me all this and I didn’t get you anything for your birthday…I’m sorry” and then it’s a bit awkward.

Gah, my birthday worries me so much. I don’t need gifts or anything but I’m always terrified I’m going to end up sat on my own with no friends or celebrations or anything. I just had a really sucky birthday one year when I was younger and I spent the morning alone and all upset cause all of my friends fell out with me, but there other girls let me hang out with them all day cause they found out it was my birthday, and they make-shifted me loads of cards, and they meant the world to me. And we’d just moved out of dad’s house, so I got to mum’s new house and she’d made this awesome dinner and she’d bought me a camera for my birthday, and we were supposed to have a family meal but dad didn’t show up, I was at his that morning and he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday…and Tab decided he had work, but Olly came over…so it was just me, mum and Olly. I remained positive throughout the day though, after the initial sadness of not having any friends and stuff. It got better. Cause mum had tried her best to make it good and that’s all that mattered to me. Oh and Rosie and her mum came over before Olly got there and we had cake and stuff.

Anyway anyway, I’m sure it’ll be fine!!!

 

Tia-Rhian xxx