I like to think I’m ok…

But to be honest, the more I look into it and the more days I live and the more nights I spend unable to sleep cause I simply can’t stand being on my own…the more I sort of realize that maybe I’m not ok as I think I am.

I mean I didn’t sleep at all last night, like really not at all. I say it’s because Ian wasn’t with me, and I genuinely think that’s the reason. Do I dislike myself that much that I have to cry the whole way through the night cause I can’t stand being alone with my own thoughts and memories? It’s like, I’m afraid to go to sleep cause recently my dreams have all been about people dying. Literally, every dream I remember from last week had some horrible accident. I haven’t had any the past two nights because I just haven’t slept at all.

Something’s got to change. I’ve tried to just act happy and it used to work, I used to feel happy. This is how I felt before I went to the states the first time, I came back a completely new person and I’d do anything to be that person again.

I think I need to resolve a lot of old issues here. I think it’s going to have to be now before it’s too late. I’ve tried a million times to talk to the doctors and find out if I have depression or if there’s anyone I could talk to just about counselling cause God knows just talking to someone who can explain what it is I’m feeling. But they’ve turned me away every time saying it’s just exam stress or school stuff.

But I didn’t care about exams or school so that wasn’t it.

I had a conversation with someone the other day and I’ve always thought I was a pretty average kid, every kid feels angry and sad surely? But this person knew me when I was growing up through my teens and she was insisting that I was unhappy. And I knew I was unhappy. I can look back and say, yeah that was a pretty dark time for me. But I though every kid went through that. So I spoke to Ian and he said he never felt that way. So it kind of got me thinking that maybe I’m not as normal as I thought I was.

And I’ll be fine for a little bit, and then all of a sudden it’s like a train’s hit me and I can’t do anything. I really can’t do anything at all.

Tonight, because of lack of sleep from last night and a rough day today and missing Ian so much, I can sleep again. I just had the worst panic attack ever, it was so hard to breathe it was making me light headed, I was crawling around on my hands and knees turning my room upside down trying to find those calming things I bought when I last had an episode like this. The time I drove to the store at 6am cause I couldn’t handle the panic attacks any more. It’s not just a panic any more, it’s a full on terror, I had to do everything I could to stop myself screaming just now. I couldn’t catch my breath and I was crying so hysterically pleading sending Ian message after message telling him to call of come on facebook cause he’s the only one I know who would actually put up with this crap.

He’s called. I’ll talk more on this soon.

xxx