LA Guns
Ian’s band just got offered a tour of the UK and France with LA Guns. One of America’s biggest rock bands ever…they’re the same era as Guns N Roses and even had Slash play guitar for them for a little while.
I’m so excited I can hardly breathe. It’s from December 1st till December 12th. I’m so happy for him! This is just what they need! And they offered to take them so a festival as their VIPs even though all of the playing slots had been taken.
So excited!!!!!!!!!
Tia-Rhian xxxx
Yes!!
Ok!
It’s my birthday, I am 19 years old and I need to think of something to do by the time I’m 20!
I think what’s going on is a lack of direction in my life right now. I mean…lack of short term goals.
I’ve found my man, I’ve earned my place in university, I’ve passed my driving test. I just need a few little goals.
This blog was a little goal. But with no real…direction.
So, here we go! To think of something to do before I am 20 
Tia-Rhian xxx
Plan
So yet another sleepless night last night, I fell asleep at 9am. Which won’t do tonight because my first lecture tomorrow is 9am.
So I’m trying to make a plan on how to make me happy again. Which was pretty much what this blog was about in the first place. Cause I feel like I’ve turned into a negative person, which I believe is partly being with Pieter too long. Too much of him putting me down every time I opened my mouth or moved, and too much of him relying on me to make it better then kicking me in the teeth when I tried to help him. So I need to reset my whole head.
I don’t really know where to start though. I guess I’ve got to just start thinking more positively?
It could just be that it’s my birthday coming up. I always kinda dread my birthday…everyone looks forward to their birthday and make plans and stuff, but I worry about making plans cause what if no one shows up and I’ll be on my own? And what if no one wants to hang out with me? I don’t have all that many friends cause I’m a bit afraid of talking to people (again, I think cause of Pieter putting me down every time I spoke). I don’t want anyone to think I’m weird.
THIS is why I need a South Carolina top up. I need to have a big long chat with Lynn Lucas. Yes sir I do. Unfortunately I don’t have a 2 month training regime, but a good long talk should do it until next time I can come out.
Just need to learn to be comfortable in myself. Where there’s a will, there’s a way…
And for crying out loud, I had an awesome birthday last year. This one’s gonna be awesome too.
I started Christmas shopping yesterday, I love love love Christmas shopping! And I bought Ian’s sibling’s their gifts for their 21st birthday that’s coming up. I think I may have gone overboard with his brother’s gift though haha, but hey, I figured that it can be his brithday and Christmas present and since it’s from me and Ian it’s fine
Just have to buy dad, Jill, Karl and Clive, Tapani, mum and Mal gifts now, oh and Ian’s dad and Ian’s brother’s girlfriend…and possible his nan. Cause I’m spending Christmas with Ian’s family this year, and so is his brother’s girlfriend. And I’ve heard that her family are rubbish and Ian mum always buys her gifts for her birthday and Christmas, so I’ve put aside some money to get her something too from me and Ian. Ian’s not got much money this year so we’re going to go halves on everything pretty much. I doubt he can afford to go halves actually…but that’s ok. I just like buying stuff for people. And I like wrapping.
I like talking about gift and buying stuff and wrapping stuff when it’s not near my birthday, cause it always makes me worried. Especially if I start buying Christmas stuff before my birthday. Cause then if someone hasn’t got me a birthday gift they go “oh, you got me all this and I didn’t get you anything for your birthday…I’m sorry” and then it’s a bit awkward.
Gah, my birthday worries me so much. I don’t need gifts or anything but I’m always terrified I’m going to end up sat on my own with no friends or celebrations or anything. I just had a really sucky birthday one year when I was younger and I spent the morning alone and all upset cause all of my friends fell out with me, but there other girls let me hang out with them all day cause they found out it was my birthday, and they make-shifted me loads of cards, and they meant the world to me. And we’d just moved out of dad’s house, so I got to mum’s new house and she’d made this awesome dinner and she’d bought me a camera for my birthday, and we were supposed to have a family meal but dad didn’t show up, I was at his that morning and he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday…and Tab decided he had work, but Olly came over…so it was just me, mum and Olly. I remained positive throughout the day though, after the initial sadness of not having any friends and stuff. It got better. Cause mum had tried her best to make it good and that’s all that mattered to me. Oh and Rosie and her mum came over before Olly got there and we had cake and stuff.
Anyway anyway, I’m sure it’ll be fine!!!
Tia-Rhian xxx
I like to think I’m ok…
But to be honest, the more I look into it and the more days I live and the more nights I spend unable to sleep cause I simply can’t stand being on my own…the more I sort of realize that maybe I’m not ok as I think I am.
I mean I didn’t sleep at all last night, like really not at all. I say it’s because Ian wasn’t with me, and I genuinely think that’s the reason. Do I dislike myself that much that I have to cry the whole way through the night cause I can’t stand being alone with my own thoughts and memories? It’s like, I’m afraid to go to sleep cause recently my dreams have all been about people dying. Literally, every dream I remember from last week had some horrible accident. I haven’t had any the past two nights because I just haven’t slept at all.
Something’s got to change. I’ve tried to just act happy and it used to work, I used to feel happy. This is how I felt before I went to the states the first time, I came back a completely new person and I’d do anything to be that person again.
I think I need to resolve a lot of old issues here. I think it’s going to have to be now before it’s too late. I’ve tried a million times to talk to the doctors and find out if I have depression or if there’s anyone I could talk to just about counselling cause God knows just talking to someone who can explain what it is I’m feeling. But they’ve turned me away every time saying it’s just exam stress or school stuff.
But I didn’t care about exams or school so that wasn’t it.
I had a conversation with someone the other day and I’ve always thought I was a pretty average kid, every kid feels angry and sad surely? But this person knew me when I was growing up through my teens and she was insisting that I was unhappy. And I knew I was unhappy. I can look back and say, yeah that was a pretty dark time for me. But I though every kid went through that. So I spoke to Ian and he said he never felt that way. So it kind of got me thinking that maybe I’m not as normal as I thought I was.
And I’ll be fine for a little bit, and then all of a sudden it’s like a train’s hit me and I can’t do anything. I really can’t do anything at all.
Tonight, because of lack of sleep from last night and a rough day today and missing Ian so much, I can sleep again. I just had the worst panic attack ever, it was so hard to breathe it was making me light headed, I was crawling around on my hands and knees turning my room upside down trying to find those calming things I bought when I last had an episode like this. The time I drove to the store at 6am cause I couldn’t handle the panic attacks any more. It’s not just a panic any more, it’s a full on terror, I had to do everything I could to stop myself screaming just now. I couldn’t catch my breath and I was crying so hysterically pleading sending Ian message after message telling him to call of come on facebook cause he’s the only one I know who would actually put up with this crap.
He’s called. I’ll talk more on this soon.
xxx
The King Blues…
So I was talking to the guitarist from Sonic Boom Six, and he suggested I play saxophone on their next tour. So I said I’d speak to my lecturers. Who all said this was fine. So…I don’t know if this is a plot for him to get into my pants or if it’s a genuine offer. But if it’s a genuine offer then that’s awesome. Sax with Sonic Boom Six would be incredible.
Then I got it into my head that there’s a few bands around that are lacking the instruments they need. Perkie just left The King Blues. So I thought I’d ask if they’re looking for a replacement. Turns out they’re kind of looking for someone to play Perkie’s parts for tours and big shows but not looking for a full time member, this person must be able to play keys, sing confidently and learn things very quickly. and I can do all three. So their guitarist said to send him a video of me singing Headbutt and Mr Music Man. So I did and I’m just kinda waiting on what he thinks. But he said before that he was willing to give me a go.
This was our conversation earlier.
